Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I'm oh so angry

Always. I am always angry. This needs to stop, but unfortunatly the last time I checked Kid Rock still makes a shit ton of money, W's still in the white hizzy, people stilll pop their collars, and the OC is still one of the most watched tv shows of our time. Today's actually a great day, I done good on a quiz, my class got cancelled, it's the first gorgeous day we've had in a couple weeks, and I aint got shit to do. But eventually I had to stop frollicking outside and sit down cause my legs got tired and my thoughts caught up with me. Doesn't anyone else think this new pope looks exactly like the emeror from star wars? Not only was he a nazi, but he looks like one of the most evil villains to ever grace the silver screen. Can we trust him? I say no. He's going to turn the catholic church against the world, and then we'll all be screwed, cause they got people like Mel Gibson and Dubs, a bunch of other crazies. I know everyone of you has seen Mel kick some serious ass in a movie before too. Remember the crusades? No? Too young? Me too, but I forcast something far more horrific than that. However, that pope dude is hella old and will prolly bit it after he loses too much energy trying to hold that massive hat on his head and his immune system shuts down. It could happen, right? Speaking of the emperor, who's gonna go see the new star wars movie? Cause this guy is. I know it sounds very geeky, but anyone who has ever watched the original trilogy and then sufferend through the last two know that this will finally provide the necessary closure. Yes, the last two sucked in my opinion, but it started to pick up at the end of the last when when yoda started whoopin ass with a light saber. This next one just looks awesome and saweet. And to anyone who is thinking I am a nerd right now, I say bitch please, nerds are smart, I just got too much time on my hands and like watching little green philosiphizing dudes jump around and do flips. Again, this has gotten way too long. So in closing, Kid rock could die and I wouldnt care and anyone who pops their collars and takes themselves seriously needs to get punched in the ear and then be forced to un-pop their collar while being kicked on their side. To end this on a positive note, I'm gonna go take a nap. Hooray for wednesdays!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Ben's droppin some knowledge

Again, it's been a while since this blag has been active. I guess it would be a lie to say that nothing has happened, but I really don't want to get into all that buulshit cause it would take too long, and you (the reader) would most likely get bored. However, this post was inspired when I overheard someone speaking in the third person today. It made me realize how lame anyone who constantly refers to themself in the third person is. It also made me realize how hard that is to do when youre not a self centered ass hole for whom it is simply natural to place yourself at the center of everything, including yourself. I hope that just made sense, but now upon further observation, I realize it surely did not. Anyways, I decided that it would be fun to try to switch into self cetered ass hole mode (which as we all know is hard for me) and refer to myself in the third person.

Speaking of assholes, Ben has been participating on an intramural ultimate frisbee team. There are many problems with this though. One, I'm on a team of swimmers. Yes we are more athletic than many of our competitor and certainly much more attrative, but alas frisbee is one of the few sports where one could weigh a hefty 250-300 pounds (of fat too, not muscle) and still be better than an olympic athlete. The problem lies within our abilities to throw a frisbee. After spending 6 short months training in a pool and doing absolutly nothing that involves any more coordination than falling off a starting block, our hand eye coordination are not what they should be and needless to say, we havent had time to stand around and throw a plastic disc back and forth, perfecing our throws. We will cling to anything that is thrown at us, but it's getting it to another person that is the real problem. Last week we suffered one of our worst losses to the team of stoners. Let Ben tell you something, that was humiliating. When a kid wearing a hippy sweater and jeans catches a pass in the endzone, it's all you can do to not jsut sit down and start crying like a little girl who just found out the trampoline she got for her birthday had to be returned because their insurance wouldnt cover stupid children jumping on spring loaded nylon.

This brings me to problem number two. The majority of people who play frisbee are gigantic douche bags. They're the kids that can't play a real sport that involves talent and/or athleticism. At least these are the kids that play at St Olaf. And again, you don't know how annoying it is to lose to kids who run a length of the field and then sub out. Especially when those are the same kids that call a foul when they are touched by anything that is attached to you (clothes, appendages, sweat, if it touched you at one point they'll call a foul on it). This brings me to......

Problem three, I honestly don't understand how a sport with the word "ultimate" in its name could be such the opposite. Yes, it's fast paced and has action packed, until contact is made with another person and they call a foul on you. This is the worst part of being on a team with swimmers, we have no idea what the rules are. so when someone calls something on us we have no idea what the hell thet're talking about. Foul? are you serious!??!? Contest it? What the fuck does that mean?!?!??! Defence is defence in my book and these pussies need to learn how to take a hit. Anyways thats my rant on this sport. As you may have noticed I abandoned the third person a while ago. It was probably for the best cause I hate anyone who talks like that and it's way way too hard to be that self centered.

Pace

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I have lost all faith in humanity

I just saw a commercial for little fake stick on jewel things for small electronic accessories, that means ipods, cell phones, and the likes for the few morons that read this. this however isn't even close ti the reason why i have given up. I just watched had the sound off, but the shiny things caught my eye and as soon as i looked up the words "BLING it on!" flashed on the screen. These words were accompanied by the stupidest looking white girl i have ever seen. She was flanked on either side by equally idiotic lookng idiots. The word bling has now lost all meaning to me when some lame ass infomercial can so carelessly paste BLING onto a shitty product and market it with the lamest looking white girls who obviously don't even have anyone to call with their cell phones, besides their parents so they can get a picked up from the library where they are probably using their ipods to listen to outdated popular music like the the partridge family and the macarena. These are the kids that BLING up their electronics because they need to stand out in the crowd for something, and we all know it's not gonna be because of their shining personalities. Hell, it seems to me if you're gonna give something a name as shitty as Bling it up (which relaly seems like a more of an action than a name) you might as well market it with people who dont look and sound equally as awkward as my mom when they say the word BLING. And i think most of all, don't imply that something blings when it doesn't. Fuck, there is nothing i hate more than imroper use of incorrect gramer and words that are made up in the first place by chumps that you know for certain memorized their rudements and shit during their study breaks. Moral of this rant: nerds can't use slang and get away with it so don't try or else i will personally nerd slap the shit out of you.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

I don't give a what?

I'm sure most by now have figured out or already know what facebook is. For me though, it is probably the worst thing that could have happened to me right now. For a kid who already procrastinates to no end is like a flesh eating virus, the kind that starts eating your flesh before you it touches your body, nay, before you can even see it. So now here I am writing in the blog instead of looking at peoples profiles on facebook because at least when I'm writing something I feel somewhat productive. The main topics today will be facebook and if I have time, or room, chick flicks. To start, facebook is one of the greatest wastes of time I have come across in my life so far. At least for now it is. It allows you to learn about people at your school by viewing their profile and pair it with a picture that was no doubt taken while they were blitzed out of their mind. See that arm cropped out of the left side of the picture? That is either a) The hook-up from that night b) The best friend c) Some chucker who was wearing a cool hat, had a class with the person, looked like someone they knew etc. One of my favorite things to do with facebook was to go find everyone that went to my highschool whos on the FB now and look at their pictures. This was either followed by a "HEY!!!!! IT'S _______!!!!!!!!" while i frantically clickd on their name to add them to my friends list or me screaming "FUCK!!!!! I HATED _______", throwing my computer against the wall and then slowly realizing that I may have over reacted. It also allows for music snobs like my friend Eric and myself to put every obscure band we know in our favorite music part of our profile just so that people know we are hot shit. I now click on some of the bands that I have in mine so that I can see if anyone else has them. Usually it's just me or Eric who has them, but every once in a while someone else will pop up and I usually find myself thinking not hey I really want to be friends with this person, but what the hell does this sumbitch know about so and so? Then I cry myself to sleep because I'll never have any friends becasue I just push people away. What? Perhaps my favorite part of facebook though are the groups. Here's an opportunity to create groups with well thought out hilarious names that let other people know just how much of a fanactic you are about something, whether it be alcohol, hilary duff, or being a sweet bad ass. The best part of it all though is that you can make these groups as exclusive as you want. The lame ones are made so that anyone can join. The more exclusive ones you must apply to and then be accepts by the administrators of said group. But then it goes to a whole new level. There are invite only groups. These are my favorite because they encourage complete exclusivity and discrimination. There are two types of these: one where its invite only and another where its invite only but when searching for groups you cant even see it. It's invisable, shaaaaaaaaahhhhh. I don't undestand why anyone would go for the invisible one though. Why wouldn't you want people seeing a group that they have absolutly no chance of getting in to? Why wouldn't you want to hang it over their heads that only the best can be in this certain group? It's so deliciously cruel, I love it. Anyways, this got huge in a short time. no room for chick flicks. Perhaps I'll touch on them later. For now though I have successfully wasted 20 minutes of homework time. Hoorah.

Peace bitches,
Ben

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

It's time

I can't even remember the last time I blogged. I think it was about hatin on napoleon wannabe's. Anyways, let me start by saying that those people still suck. And the creator and co-writer of this blog is now dangerously close to being grouped in with them now that he finally broke down and saw the movie. Also, it seems like I should start blogging again cause alot goes on in second semester. My hatred for school and everything related to it is steadily climing and is about to hit an all time high. As some of you know, a few people on the swim team are going to nationals. More than a few actually, cause we are all fuckin studs and sweet bad asses. But all that aside, it screws the shit out of my schedule. we leave the tuesday of the last week before spring break, which on our campus is also known as mid terms. For all you dimwitted suckas out there that either didn't have an education, ever, or have done everything they can to forget it, midterms mean projects, papers, and perhaps most importantly, mid term tests. Of course, no one in the music department really gives half of a shit about athletics, so I have two weeks to get three weeks worth of work done, and if that doesn't kill me, then I will do the honors myself. For those of you that don't know me that well, this is perhaps the worst thing that could happen to me because I have the unique ability to turn about an hours worth of work into about 3 hours worth. That's right, I'm a procrastinater extraordinare which is something I usually take pride in, but right now it's literally scaring the shit out of me. I'm crapping in my pants right now just thinking about it. Thank God for febreeze and Lysol. Anyways, I'm now thinking about dropping out of school and becoming one of either two things: A professional athelete, although I'm not sure what kid I'd be. Swimmer or triathlete are prolly my best bets, but that would prolly require alot more work than I think and it's also probably extremely hard to succeed in the business of professional atheltics. My second option would be to start up a recording studio. I'd more than likely have to get a job at a studio before I could own my own and that might require a degree in sound engineering or something to that effect, but it's also possible that I could just get hired based off of my good looks and all around awesomeness. I would then go on to sign extremely promising up and coming artists after I got my own studio and then drop them as soon as they hit it big so that they would never tarnish the good nname of my label with stardome. This is prbably the better option of the two because it would also allow for me to be as lazy as I wanted to be which is a definite benefit (whoa, check that rhyme!!!) I like this idea the best. That's about all I got for now. Hopefully future blogs won't be as bad as this one, but I'm still tryin to get back into the swing of things. I'm out, wada tah my damies.

-Ben

Sunday, February 20, 2005

St. Olaf is also a Liberal Arts College

Well Conference came and went and what do you know we lost it. Total bumout if you ask me. But even though we didn't win conference that doesn't mean we can't celebrate and lord knows that today's existence has been a painful one. I have found myself more likely to take a pen and jam it into my jugular than to use said pen and to formulate greek sentences with impecable grammar and style.

You know whats funny. I have a goal sheet on my backboard of my desk and in looking at it, I realized that I acheived a collective zero of those goals. I'm sure there's something to be said for the setting of ambitious goals but when I look to the goal sheet to the left of the "Impossible Dreams" sheet and see that I beat my underwhelming goal of 57 in my 100 fly I feel damn good about kicking the shit out of that goal. So I propose to myself this: set daily easy ass goals like "be mean to stupid people" or "dont wash hands after peeing" because I already fullfill these goals on a regular basis. Maybe after I achieve these goals I'll move on to harder tasks such as "think about washing hands after peeing." My high school girls' swim team had sweatshirts that said something asinine like "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!" How gay is that shit?

-Joe "Joe Anderson" Anderson

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I've always hated napolean dynomyte.

Just thought I'd mention that.

*long, drawn out sigh*

So, last summer I went and saw Napoleon Dynamite. Then I went and saw it a couple more times. I had finally found another movie that could fit into the same catagory as Pootie Tang in that it made no sense and hardly had a plot, but was absolutly hilarious for some people. I know that some people who read this will dissagree with that statement, but they can eat my ass cause they obviously don't know humor when it punches them in the back of the head. Anyways, here was a movie that I could quote with my friends and others seemed to have no idea what the hell we were talking about. We had found another movie that we could claim as our own. But then dissaster struck. Napoleon got big. At first I was happy that every one was seeing this movie. I mean, the writers deserve it for being comedic geniouses. But now, every where I fucking walk I hear "Tina! Eat your ham!" or "Your mom goes to college." and it is killing me slowly from the inside like a small parasite. Napoleon has taken America by storm and it may be one of the most annoying take overs ever. EVER. Not only do most of the people trying to quote the movie sound absolutly nothing like ND himself, they usually are (insert witty euphamism for retarted) and don't even get the quote right. How can you get a quote that lasts no more than a sentance wrong!?!?!??!?!????!!!! God Dammit. Most of all, it angers me the most that this was once something I loved. Napoleon was great. I used to quote him all the time, but now I can't shake of these other morons trying to do the same and I end up not only hating them, but hating myself for even being in the same demographic as them as annoying quoters. Anyways, I hate stupid people is basically what it boils down to. there will prolly be mroe to come on this subject seeing as how these people annoy me to no end. And at least I still have Pootie Tang.

Sada Tay,
Ben

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I died last night.

The weird thing is. joe cleaned Sushis bowl last night and I just got so jealous that I gave up living. I dont know why he just didnt clean my bowl at the same time. Oh well. I was a good fish. Now i'm a dead fish in the pipes of St. Olaf!

Monday, January 24, 2005

ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS?!

Quote from an article

"In a confidential letter to Karl Rove, Mr. Bush's top political adviser, the [Arlington] group said it was disappointed with the White House's decision to put Social Security and other economic issues ahead of its paramount interest: opposition to same-sex marriage."

I wonder how this country, nay, the MORAL FABRIC OF THE WORLD has held together for so long without gay marriage being banned. Yes, lets push social security, a trivial issue that affects no one, aside and focus on real problems like the protection of the institution of marriage!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Can I Kick It?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sorry for the "blogarrhea" but I can't help myself

Being a man, I have certain responsibilities that are true for all men: Hunt for food, scratch self inappropriately, grow facial hair and fix various things that are too complicated for women who are obsessed with shopping and boys. Now, I have yet to earn the nickname of "Larson Handi-Man," lord know's I'm closer to being called "Larson Jack-Ass," but today, I felt pretty good about my verility:

Kelly was desperate, her tv was broken and she wanted to watch Mean Girls. She knew she needed a man for the job, so she got a hold of me. To her I was an attractive prospect for the job for I had fixed her computer problems countless times before. I grudgingly accepted the challenge and headed for the 4th floor. Upon my arrival there, I fiddled with some buttons, then some wires, then the buttons again and ultimately is was fooling around with the wires that got the job done. God I was so proud of myself.

Now some of you may want to say: "Joe, You didn't fix that TV because you're such a 'man,' you fixed it because you are such a 'nerd.'"

To you, I say: "Bite me. Seriously."


Also: I think someone pooped all over the floor in our bathroom.

Oh how I endlessly amuse myself

I'm posting this mostly because I use the word "quagmire" in it.

Kelly Dolan: i need your expertise
Kelly Dolan: my tv is really messed up
Kelly Dolan: the color isn't working
Me: you didnt put anything magnetic on it, did you
Kelly Dolan: not that I know of
Kelly Dolan: I got the contrast to work
Me: you need a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff, kelly... why doesnt grant do it?
Kelly Dolan: when I just put it on black and white
Kelly Dolan: but antime I try to put coolor on it , it gets those annoying rainbow things all over
Me: well whatd you do?
Kelly Dolan: i don't know
Kelly Dolan: and yes I do need a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff
Kelly Dolan: but you're all i have
Kelly Dolan: and I don't think grant knows anything about tvs
Me: kelly kelly kelly
Kelly Dolan: sorry
Me: have you tried hitting it with that long pole in your room
Kelly Dolan: haha
Kelly Dolan: i'll give you a beer
Me: what a selling point.
Kelly Dolan: it was worth a try
Me: im glad you caught my sarcasm
Kelly Dolan: thanks fo rhte compliment
Kelly Dolan: i know you really don't want to but I would really appreciate it
Me: im in my glasses.
Kelly Dolan: sexy
Me: have you tried using the scientific theory or critical thinking?
Kelly Dolan: trust me I know you would think that any person who could get an A in orgo could figure this out but joe you know me and i fail
Me: How long have you been working on this TV quagmire?
Kelly Dolan: like 20 minutes
Me: you gave up so soon!
Kelly Dolan: well I really want to watch mean girls in color
Me: you know a lot of movies were originally made in black and white.
Kelly Dolan: I see one every tues and thurs
Me: and now on mondays too, it looks like!
Me: Ill be down in a bit, you're buying me ramen if i fix it.
Kelly Dolan: deal

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I was hillarious in high school!

Unfortunate Benign

I told my Mom I had a brain tumor.
She said it’s probably just a calcium buildup from where I hit my head
I said I wish it was a brain tumor
She said there’s no easy way out.


A beautiful, beautiful poem I wrote in High School. Clearly in the pre-Tad Harrington era of my life. I was writing a guide to pretension but of course my antiquated version of microsoft word managed to close itself without saving any of the gems like the advice on carrying note cards with english words you want to learn on them; even if you never learn them or use them ever, when poeple see you carrying note cards in your wallet they will instantly think you are three times as big of a jackass as you are, you jackass.

Anyway, our volleyball team "Der Deutscher" has a game tonight and You should come watch just for the chance to hear me scream "Woaah!" every time someone spikes it, dives for the ball or moves! Plus Wetzig is a grade-A setter.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Christian Sceince Fiar 2001

Hey remember the site that taught us that Cassidy Turnbull's Uncle is "a man named steve (not a monkey)"?

Other gems such as "Women were designed for homemaking" and "The thermodynamics of Hell" are also on there.

Turns out, it was most thankfully a joke. They have more stuff on the Landover Baptist Church site.

It's not all wine and roses though. Truth at School posits that every student deserves to know that homosexuality is high risk, not genetic and changeable! Also not forget about Godhatesfags.com because they have some really enlightened views. Also, Senator Rick Santorum, of associating homosexuality to polygamy, pedophilia and beastiality fame, dispels some internet rumors! Thank you Rick!

So tired and So hateful
-Joe

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Finally

I have been given a Pulpit.

You have been warned.

-King Tad

"Six days does not a week make" sayeth the Lord

Now, Tad and I have been talking and, as usual, we both agree:

Positivity will be force fed to this blog, effective now!

Things I enjoy (this enumeration does not seek to limit things I enjoy, but rather to call attention to certain aspects of Human life I find pleasurable. In other words this list is definately not exhaustive and neither is the bill of rights):

1) Tad Harrington, of course. He is the Leo McGarry to my Jed Bartlett.
2) When there's 5 minutes left of class and the professor says "Well, that's it... unless anyone has any questions?" And of the 13 nerds in the class, only 6 raise their hands to point out lines from Ovid that they find "interesting" as if anyone gave 3/5ths of a damn and wouldnt rather be running to the caf to beat the rush.
3) Clean Wipes. What a time saver. You almost feel like you dont need to wash your hands... almost.
4) Finishing lunch 20 minutes earlier because Ben wasnt there.
5) Saying things as if I were Japanese, "Prease crean up mirk!!!!"
6) Those amazing bars Ben's mom made for him that I ate so many of. Definately some "tasty-ass snacks" worthy of Jesus!
7) Seeing someone who believes in Creation Theory cry
8) Ending this blog entry

Sunday, January 09, 2005

hiccups can lick my balls

As you may have been able to tell by the title of this post, the fron tand foremost occupyer of the circle of hate and anger are "the hiccups." I hat ehtme righht now more than anything in the world. Why do they occur? Maybe a scientist could tell me but i would prolly just look him in the face and say "fuck you, how do I make them go away, assface?" He would them prolly get upset and not talk to me at which point i would have to rely onb my own knowledge, which is limited cause I am a music major. I would try to hold my breath, perhaps drink water upside down, but to no avail. I would then swear a life battle against the hiccups, and wind. I fucking hate wind. what is wind good for? Maybe for making cheap energy, but that's about it. Wind tends to always bow in my face when I need to get somewhere fast on my bike, blow continuously whenever it is already below freezing outside. I hate hte wind, but anyways i hate the hiccups. I still have them. they are making me reconsider the bagel I just ate cause I am already full and now feel like throwing up. Fuck. FUCK!!!!!! The hiccups can literally take it in the ass. If I could maybe abolish one thing in the world, it wuld prolly be the hiccups, cause I can deal with the wind in moderation, but the hiccups, never. One of my friends just IM'd me, what should I do? Not reply, that's my answer. So anyone whouo would tell me the hiccups are not so bad can lick my ass and die, you hear me?!??!?!?!?!!?!?? Die. Aight. That's it for now. I hate the hiccups, wind, and appareantly now bagel for the time being. I'm out. I hate interim, but that will prolly be another post. G' G' G', G' G' G' G', G'night folks.

-BenHAMEEN

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

WHY THE HELL DO I GO HERE!!!!

Because this school offers a wide variety of experiences for a bargain price!

Imagine a place, free of alcohol, free of cable, free of atheism, free of fun, where you can explore, in depth, your relationship with Christ and your relationship to academia! Sounds terrif!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Big News!!!!!

Did you hear Bill Cosby died? Cause he did. Last night. Apparently Jello is toxic. Shabooya