Monday, January 24, 2005


Quote from an article

"In a confidential letter to Karl Rove, Mr. Bush's top political adviser, the [Arlington] group said it was disappointed with the White House's decision to put Social Security and other economic issues ahead of its paramount interest: opposition to same-sex marriage."

I wonder how this country, nay, the MORAL FABRIC OF THE WORLD has held together for so long without gay marriage being banned. Yes, lets push social security, a trivial issue that affects no one, aside and focus on real problems like the protection of the institution of marriage!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Can I Kick It?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sorry for the "blogarrhea" but I can't help myself

Being a man, I have certain responsibilities that are true for all men: Hunt for food, scratch self inappropriately, grow facial hair and fix various things that are too complicated for women who are obsessed with shopping and boys. Now, I have yet to earn the nickname of "Larson Handi-Man," lord know's I'm closer to being called "Larson Jack-Ass," but today, I felt pretty good about my verility:

Kelly was desperate, her tv was broken and she wanted to watch Mean Girls. She knew she needed a man for the job, so she got a hold of me. To her I was an attractive prospect for the job for I had fixed her computer problems countless times before. I grudgingly accepted the challenge and headed for the 4th floor. Upon my arrival there, I fiddled with some buttons, then some wires, then the buttons again and ultimately is was fooling around with the wires that got the job done. God I was so proud of myself.

Now some of you may want to say: "Joe, You didn't fix that TV because you're such a 'man,' you fixed it because you are such a 'nerd.'"

To you, I say: "Bite me. Seriously."

Also: I think someone pooped all over the floor in our bathroom.

Oh how I endlessly amuse myself

I'm posting this mostly because I use the word "quagmire" in it.

Kelly Dolan: i need your expertise
Kelly Dolan: my tv is really messed up
Kelly Dolan: the color isn't working
Me: you didnt put anything magnetic on it, did you
Kelly Dolan: not that I know of
Kelly Dolan: I got the contrast to work
Me: you need a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff, kelly... why doesnt grant do it?
Kelly Dolan: when I just put it on black and white
Kelly Dolan: but antime I try to put coolor on it , it gets those annoying rainbow things all over
Me: well whatd you do?
Kelly Dolan: i don't know
Kelly Dolan: and yes I do need a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff
Kelly Dolan: but you're all i have
Kelly Dolan: and I don't think grant knows anything about tvs
Me: kelly kelly kelly
Kelly Dolan: sorry
Me: have you tried hitting it with that long pole in your room
Kelly Dolan: haha
Kelly Dolan: i'll give you a beer
Me: what a selling point.
Kelly Dolan: it was worth a try
Me: im glad you caught my sarcasm
Kelly Dolan: thanks fo rhte compliment
Kelly Dolan: i know you really don't want to but I would really appreciate it
Me: im in my glasses.
Kelly Dolan: sexy
Me: have you tried using the scientific theory or critical thinking?
Kelly Dolan: trust me I know you would think that any person who could get an A in orgo could figure this out but joe you know me and i fail
Me: How long have you been working on this TV quagmire?
Kelly Dolan: like 20 minutes
Me: you gave up so soon!
Kelly Dolan: well I really want to watch mean girls in color
Me: you know a lot of movies were originally made in black and white.
Kelly Dolan: I see one every tues and thurs
Me: and now on mondays too, it looks like!
Me: Ill be down in a bit, you're buying me ramen if i fix it.
Kelly Dolan: deal

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I was hillarious in high school!

Unfortunate Benign

I told my Mom I had a brain tumor.
She said it’s probably just a calcium buildup from where I hit my head
I said I wish it was a brain tumor
She said there’s no easy way out.

A beautiful, beautiful poem I wrote in High School. Clearly in the pre-Tad Harrington era of my life. I was writing a guide to pretension but of course my antiquated version of microsoft word managed to close itself without saving any of the gems like the advice on carrying note cards with english words you want to learn on them; even if you never learn them or use them ever, when poeple see you carrying note cards in your wallet they will instantly think you are three times as big of a jackass as you are, you jackass.

Anyway, our volleyball team "Der Deutscher" has a game tonight and You should come watch just for the chance to hear me scream "Woaah!" every time someone spikes it, dives for the ball or moves! Plus Wetzig is a grade-A setter.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Christian Sceince Fiar 2001

Hey remember the site that taught us that Cassidy Turnbull's Uncle is "a man named steve (not a monkey)"?

Other gems such as "Women were designed for homemaking" and "The thermodynamics of Hell" are also on there.

Turns out, it was most thankfully a joke. They have more stuff on the Landover Baptist Church site.

It's not all wine and roses though. Truth at School posits that every student deserves to know that homosexuality is high risk, not genetic and changeable! Also not forget about because they have some really enlightened views. Also, Senator Rick Santorum, of associating homosexuality to polygamy, pedophilia and beastiality fame, dispels some internet rumors! Thank you Rick!

So tired and So hateful

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


I have been given a Pulpit.

You have been warned.

-King Tad

"Six days does not a week make" sayeth the Lord

Now, Tad and I have been talking and, as usual, we both agree:

Positivity will be force fed to this blog, effective now!

Things I enjoy (this enumeration does not seek to limit things I enjoy, but rather to call attention to certain aspects of Human life I find pleasurable. In other words this list is definately not exhaustive and neither is the bill of rights):

1) Tad Harrington, of course. He is the Leo McGarry to my Jed Bartlett.
2) When there's 5 minutes left of class and the professor says "Well, that's it... unless anyone has any questions?" And of the 13 nerds in the class, only 6 raise their hands to point out lines from Ovid that they find "interesting" as if anyone gave 3/5ths of a damn and wouldnt rather be running to the caf to beat the rush.
3) Clean Wipes. What a time saver. You almost feel like you dont need to wash your hands... almost.
4) Finishing lunch 20 minutes earlier because Ben wasnt there.
5) Saying things as if I were Japanese, "Prease crean up mirk!!!!"
6) Those amazing bars Ben's mom made for him that I ate so many of. Definately some "tasty-ass snacks" worthy of Jesus!
7) Seeing someone who believes in Creation Theory cry
8) Ending this blog entry

Sunday, January 09, 2005

hiccups can lick my balls

As you may have been able to tell by the title of this post, the fron tand foremost occupyer of the circle of hate and anger are "the hiccups." I hat ehtme righht now more than anything in the world. Why do they occur? Maybe a scientist could tell me but i would prolly just look him in the face and say "fuck you, how do I make them go away, assface?" He would them prolly get upset and not talk to me at which point i would have to rely onb my own knowledge, which is limited cause I am a music major. I would try to hold my breath, perhaps drink water upside down, but to no avail. I would then swear a life battle against the hiccups, and wind. I fucking hate wind. what is wind good for? Maybe for making cheap energy, but that's about it. Wind tends to always bow in my face when I need to get somewhere fast on my bike, blow continuously whenever it is already below freezing outside. I hate hte wind, but anyways i hate the hiccups. I still have them. they are making me reconsider the bagel I just ate cause I am already full and now feel like throwing up. Fuck. FUCK!!!!!! The hiccups can literally take it in the ass. If I could maybe abolish one thing in the world, it wuld prolly be the hiccups, cause I can deal with the wind in moderation, but the hiccups, never. One of my friends just IM'd me, what should I do? Not reply, that's my answer. So anyone whouo would tell me the hiccups are not so bad can lick my ass and die, you hear me?!??!?!?!?!!?!?? Die. Aight. That's it for now. I hate the hiccups, wind, and appareantly now bagel for the time being. I'm out. I hate interim, but that will prolly be another post. G' G' G', G' G' G' G', G'night folks.


Wednesday, January 05, 2005


Because this school offers a wide variety of experiences for a bargain price!

Imagine a place, free of alcohol, free of cable, free of atheism, free of fun, where you can explore, in depth, your relationship with Christ and your relationship to academia! Sounds terrif!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Big News!!!!!

Did you hear Bill Cosby died? Cause he did. Last night. Apparently Jello is toxic. Shabooya

Monday, January 03, 2005

January is the floater in the broken toilet of my life

New Years Resolutions--

Try not to be sarcastic 100% of the time.
Convince brothers to do edward forty hands with me sometime.
Survive this year so I can turn 21.
Stop telling people Bill Cosby died.
Pretend I care about Ben's long ass stories involving his friends from high school. (Love you ben!)
Write more emails to siblings and friends.
Call my parents more.
Hate sprinters only in private.
Not correct people on their grammar
Have impecable grammar myself
Become well read
Become a good chess player
Not punch Ross in the face unless he really deserves it
Be a little less lazy when it comes to getting out of the house especially when it means I could miss something fun/exciting
Read the newspaper more
Blog Less

Hi Mom

Once again it has been quite a while since the last post. Things have happened since then, but lets just recap the things that have happened in the last 24 hours for me cause that's prolly the most eventful of all. Yesterday afternoon I got back to this frozen tundra that is Minnesota from sunny florida and there was no bus to take people back to school so there was a scramble to find rides to get everyone back somehow and we ended up piling about 8 swimmers and my two parents back to my house in two cars. Fun? sure. Then we get back and I find that I have 36 new emails, most of which were spam anyways offering teens getting huge facials for 1.95. However there was the always fun near two page email that contained news that I figured would get here eventually but dreaded. I won't go into that but somepeople know what it is. Then I realized that I couldn't take the class for interim that I wanted to because I have swimming 2-4 and band 4-6, so a 1-3 class was out of the question. I couldn't even stay in the class I was registered for cause it was also a 1-3 class. Oh yeah, as soon as I got back to my room Joe let me know that our room got writen up for a single empty beer can found during inspections. Also, about half of my friends are gone abroad. So at this point I am definitely not looking forward to interim. Then things straightened out, I got the class I wanted to take in the first place that was closed when I registered. I started to see the people that were still here and realized this month wont be so bad.

Then today I come back from lunch and see that I have one email from my mom entitled "A Couple Of Things..." You may already be thinking something is up as indicated by the "..." but I did not at the time. Basically what the email boiled down to is that my mom has discovered the blog. Hi Mom. I'm not sure if I should apologize or what. I'm not even sure if she'll read this, but if she/you do, let me know. It was just kind of the icing on the cake and all I could do was go and check what I have written on here and then just sit back and laugh. My mom read that I called Eric Tvedt a vagina. She read Joe's post entitled "oh shit cock jesus" She read my endless and unrelentless use of swear words. And in the end all I can do is sit back and laugh at it ad I would assume many who read this also will. I'm not entirely sure what this will do to the blog, but I'm sure joe won't give a hoot (normally prolly would have used the word fuck, but my mom might read this). Anyways, If you've posted before, know that my mom has prolly read it and feel awkward, cause you should. If you haven't posted yet, say hi to my mom, she'd love it. And I'm Out